Don’t you love complimenting your children? I know that I do. I love watching their faces light up. They seem to feel so big and proud.

What if I told you that there was a very simple yet effective way to make our compliments feel even better for them? Wouldn’t you jump at it?

I am so happy to share the amazing strategy that I learnt, and use with my children.  In order to understand this concept, let’s start with an example that is easy to relate to.

Imagine you’re at the mall, trying to finish your shopping before running to do carpool, when you hear someone calling your name. You turn around and see your friend Lisa, who you haven’t seen for a while. “Hi Marilyn”, she begins,” How are you? You look great! What’s new with you and the family?” You chat for a few minutes, before you part ways.

When she told you that you look great, what went through your mind? You may have thought, “I do? Really? I don’t feel like I look great. What looks great about me?” You may have thought,” Exactly how terrible did I look before?” Or you may have thought, “She’s so sweet, always trying to make people feel good.” Or you may have simply thought,” Yeah, I do look good, so nice of her to notice.”

Let’s change her wording around a bit and see if the results are different.

“Hi Marilyn, how are you? It’s so great to see you. I haven’t seen you for a while, and have been thinking about you. You look great. Did you lose weight because your face looks very slim? And I love how your turquoise eyeliner makes your blue eyes stand out. I also really like your outfit. You have a nice color scheme going on there, with all the greens and blues. How’s the family doing?”

After this encounter, you’ll probably be thinking,”She really seems to care about me, and miss me when we don’t see each other for a while. And it’s so nice of her to notice that I lost weight, I’ve been working so hard at it. It’s obviously paying off if my face looks slimmer. And she’s right, the turquoise eyeliner does bring out my blue eyes, I guess that’s why I love wearing that color.  Yes, I do have a nice color scheme going on here with my outfit”.

In the first scenario, Lisa gave no details with her compliment. She simply said, “You look great.” Such a generic compliment is either not believed, or is simply taken as it is; the obligatory conversation starter. In the second scenario Lisa gave a lot of detail, (the more, the better). This way, not only was the compliment believable, it was also a way for Marilyn to learn things about herself, her style, and her progress.

This is the goal of complimenting a child as well.

When a child cleans up his room, and Mom says, “Thank you Tommy, you’re the best!” Tommy is left with the wrong message. Firstly, he is left to believe that cleaning up one’s room makes that person “The Best!” The best what? Not sure, but the best something. Secondly, Tommy may not believe his mother who, prior to him cleaning up his room went into a whole rant about how bad it was that he made such a mess. Thirdly, Tommy may believe his mother, and even understand that what she means is that he did a very good job at cleaning up his room, but he hasn’t learned anything new about himself and the good choices that he made.

Let’s change Mom’s words around a bit and see the results.

“Wow, Tommy look at this room! You saw how upset Mommy was about your messy room, and you decided to do something about it. I see that you picked up all the blocks and put them in the yellow basket, right where they belong. I also see that you put all of the crayons back into the crayon box, and stood each one up straight, so that there would be room for all of them to fit. You collected all of the scraps and put them in the garbage. You made sure to put the cap on the glue and the scissors up high on their shelf. You even decided to make your bed. Do you remember how messy your room was before? You worked very hard and you’re room is so nice and orderly now, and it’s all because of you!”

How do you think Tommy feels about himself now? He learned that he takes others people’s feelings into account. He understands the breakdown of each thing he did, and how he did it. He also learnt that he is very capable, after all the whole room is clean now, all because of him. He believes each compliment since they are so detailed. He feels very good about himself, and much appreciated by his Mommy. There is a warm feeling between Mom and son and a feeling of success all around.

This scenario was helping your child understand all the details of a job well done. Another aspect of complimenting is more personally teaching the child about himself and his positive traits. We often say, “You’re an awesome kid, I just love you so much”. That may make our child feel good, as long as he believes us. A better way to tell our children that they’re wonderful is with specifics. For example, “Jamie, I see you being careful to only take seconds at dinner after you’ve made sure that everyone has had firsts. That is very considerate of you”. “You also seem to really care about your younger brother. I notice you looking out for him when we go to the park”. Or, “I remember when you decided to invite Margaret over to play because none of the other kids in the class liked her. That was very sensitive of you. You are so very special to me. I love you so much”.

You’re child has just learned a lot about her very sensitive and caring way. She now feels like a million dollars .The compliments are sincere and not generic. By emphasizing positive qualities a parent helps a child build up self-esteem and confidence.She will appreciate the way you feel about her, because you accentuate her positive traits and de-emphasize the negative.

Praising with specifics is simple and one of the greatest gifts you can give your child.

(part of the “Parental Tips and Lessons series”)