I went shopping yesterday with all of my kids. I know, sounds crazy. The truth is that I actually enjoy going shopping with my kids. Yes, it is hard, but I figure that I have to shop anyway; I may as well make it a bonding time with my children.

It actually works out pretty nicely. I can run to the bathroom, while my kids guard the cart. I have four little helpers, willing to get me the sugar that I forgot to pick up in aisle 3, and the granola bars in aisle 300. The older ones keep an eye on the younger ones, and we have a great time together.

Yes, I do usually wind up spending more money when I bring them along. “Mommy, we must buy these new amazing chips. They’re so spicy; they almost burn a hole through your tongue. All the kids in school have them.” “Oh, wow, sounds irresistible!” And even though you feel like a totally irresponsible parent for agreeing to buy such a hazardous snack, you can’t let your child be the only one without them in school. “Okay, sweetie, throw them in the cart.”Or you may hear, “Mommy, we must stock up on chocolate for the next ten years. We’ve been out of it for two days, and it’s been horrible. Plus you never know when there’ll be an emergency chocolate craving!” Trying not to laugh, and not wanting to get into it, you simply say, “Okay, Judy, throw a bunch of chocolate bars in the cart.”

For me, the most challenging part of taking the kiddies shopping, is dealing with my youngest. You see my three older children are the chilled out type. They always sat nicely in the carriage or shopping cart, munching on their treat, and looking around.  Kid number four came along and is a totally different breed. She likes to stand in the shopping cart while every onlooker gives me nasty looks. She figured out how to get out of her stroller buckle even before she could walk. These days she knows how to get out of her car seat, yikes! One treat is never enough for her. She finishes it in seconds and cries for another. She has no problem lying on the floor in any store, taking off her shoes and socks, running up and down the aisles, or screaming on the top of her lungs in the middle of a big crowd. Raising such a child has definitely been a humbling experience. It’s a good thing she’s gorgeous, friendly, and loveable.

With all the hardships of taking the kids shopping, there are so many benefits. When my kids help unload the cart, bag the groceries, pack and unpack the car, and drag the packages into the house, they are gaining a lot. They are learning how to take responsibility, and what it means to work together as a team. Each person helps to the best of their ability, and everyone is thanked and appreciated for their capabilities and help. Things don’t always go so smoothly, but by the time we get home, we have usually learned something new and valuable, even if it’s what not to do next time. We also feel very accomplished after completing such a task. The best part about it though, is that we just spent 2 hours together, chatting, laughing, deciding, helping, dragging, laughing, sweating, packing, unpacking, and laughing some more!

Children need to know parents are on their team. When children feel this way, they are much more trusting and more likely to listen to their parents. They are also more willing to hear “No” and follow ground rules at home. It helps create a more happy, loving dynamic between parent and child.

Here are a few suggestions that have worked for Team Young.

First, we try to truly embrace this concept. We strive to make sure that everything we do for our children is done because we are all on the same team. Whether it’s a reward or punishment, children need to understand that parental decisions are made in the best interest of the team and with consideration of their feelings and needs.

Next, because we know how quickly “patience runs thin”, we really try not to depend on it. Rather, we rely on understanding and empathy. We try to step into our children’s shoes; try to perceive the world from their perspective, experience, strength, and brain development. We attempt to understand how hard it is for a child to break out of a tantrum or stubborn behavior in certain circumstances. Really trying to understand each child, and the way she handles difficult situations, helps us respond more sympathetically.

Making time to connect with our children and enjoy their company is so important- Whether it’s going out for lunch, or just hanging out at home, children want to feel that her parents enjoy spending time with them. We want them to know they are our top priority. Private time with a child always includes active listening; showing them that we are really interested in hearing what they have to say and that we respect them as people. Setting aside a “phone free zone and time” is one way to accomplish this. Time without outside interruptions is key. That includes answering the phone and doorbell. We make sure to comment on what they say without judgment and use their ideas to start a conversation. This very much helps a child feel that we are on his team.

We try to weigh out every situation with thoughts of, “am I doing this because it’s what’s best for my child? Am I taking his feelings into account? Is this something he is realistically capable of? Is this respectful to my child?” “Are my expectations age and brain appropriate?” It is important to know each child, their needs, and feelings in any given situation. Considering our children’s feelings and respecting them as people, is a major way they grow up feeling that we care about them. We are always looking out for their best interest. We are on the same team.

Another important thing we do is tell our children that we’re on their team. We often tell our children that we are always there for them, or that they can tell us anything in the world. So, too, we should also tell them that we are “always on their team” or “always on their side”. Hearing this message will help them feel and believe that we are on their team. Obviously, listening and respecting doesn’t always mean agreeing. What it means is that even when we are disagreeing, or giving a consequence, it is coming from a place of us being on their team and wanting and therefore doing what’s best for them. When done this way, children feel the safety and love within the discipline, even though they may be resistant to it.

These are a few of the main strategies to enable our children to feel that we are on their team. Helping them feel this way is one of the most important gifts we can give them.  It is truly the foundation for creating a positive and healthy parent-child relationship.

(part of the “Parental Tips and Lessons series”)

Don’t you love complimenting your children? I know that I do. I love watching their faces light up. They seem to feel so big and proud.

What if I told you that there was a very simple yet effective way to make our compliments feel even better for them? Wouldn’t you jump at it?

I am so happy to share the amazing strategy that I learnt, and use with my children.  In order to understand this concept, let’s start with an example that is easy to relate to.

Imagine you’re at the mall, trying to finish your shopping before running to do carpool, when you hear someone calling your name. You turn around and see your friend Lisa, who you haven’t seen for a while. “Hi Marilyn”, she begins,” How are you? You look great! What’s new with you and the family?” You chat for a few minutes, before you part ways.

When she told you that you look great, what went through your mind? You may have thought, “I do? Really? I don’t feel like I look great. What looks great about me?” You may have thought,” Exactly how terrible did I look before?” Or you may have thought, “She’s so sweet, always trying to make people feel good.” Or you may have simply thought,” Yeah, I do look good, so nice of her to notice.”

Let’s change her wording around a bit and see if the results are different.

“Hi Marilyn, how are you? It’s so great to see you. I haven’t seen you for a while, and have been thinking about you. You look great. Did you lose weight because your face looks very slim? And I love how your turquoise eyeliner makes your blue eyes stand out. I also really like your outfit. You have a nice color scheme going on there, with all the greens and blues. How’s the family doing?”

After this encounter, you’ll probably be thinking,”She really seems to care about me, and miss me when we don’t see each other for a while. And it’s so nice of her to notice that I lost weight, I’ve been working so hard at it. It’s obviously paying off if my face looks slimmer. And she’s right, the turquoise eyeliner does bring out my blue eyes, I guess that’s why I love wearing that color.  Yes, I do have a nice color scheme going on here with my outfit”.

In the first scenario, Lisa gave no details with her compliment. She simply said, “You look great.” Such a generic compliment is either not believed, or is simply taken as it is; the obligatory conversation starter. In the second scenario Lisa gave a lot of detail, (the more, the better). This way, not only was the compliment believable, it was also a way for Marilyn to learn things about herself, her style, and her progress.

This is the goal of complimenting a child as well.

When a child cleans up his room, and Mom says, “Thank you Tommy, you’re the best!” Tommy is left with the wrong message. Firstly, he is left to believe that cleaning up one’s room makes that person “The Best!” The best what? Not sure, but the best something. Secondly, Tommy may not believe his mother who, prior to him cleaning up his room went into a whole rant about how bad it was that he made such a mess. Thirdly, Tommy may believe his mother, and even understand that what she means is that he did a very good job at cleaning up his room, but he hasn’t learned anything new about himself and the good choices that he made.

Let’s change Mom’s words around a bit and see the results.

“Wow, Tommy look at this room! You saw how upset Mommy was about your messy room, and you decided to do something about it. I see that you picked up all the blocks and put them in the yellow basket, right where they belong. I also see that you put all of the crayons back into the crayon box, and stood each one up straight, so that there would be room for all of them to fit. You collected all of the scraps and put them in the garbage. You made sure to put the cap on the glue and the scissors up high on their shelf. You even decided to make your bed. Do you remember how messy your room was before? You worked very hard and you’re room is so nice and orderly now, and it’s all because of you!”

How do you think Tommy feels about himself now? He learned that he takes others people’s feelings into account. He understands the breakdown of each thing he did, and how he did it. He also learnt that he is very capable, after all the whole room is clean now, all because of him. He believes each compliment since they are so detailed. He feels very good about himself, and much appreciated by his Mommy. There is a warm feeling between Mom and son and a feeling of success all around.

This scenario was helping your child understand all the details of a job well done. Another aspect of complimenting is more personally teaching the child about himself and his positive traits. We often say, “You’re an awesome kid, I just love you so much”. That may make our child feel good, as long as he believes us. A better way to tell our children that they’re wonderful is with specifics. For example, “Jamie, I see you being careful to only take seconds at dinner after you’ve made sure that everyone has had firsts. That is very considerate of you”. “You also seem to really care about your younger brother. I notice you looking out for him when we go to the park”. Or, “I remember when you decided to invite Margaret over to play because none of the other kids in the class liked her. That was very sensitive of you. You are so very special to me. I love you so much”.

You’re child has just learned a lot about her very sensitive and caring way. She now feels like a million dollars .The compliments are sincere and not generic. By emphasizing positive qualities a parent helps a child build up self-esteem and confidence.She will appreciate the way you feel about her, because you accentuate her positive traits and de-emphasize the negative.

Praising with specifics is simple and one of the greatest gifts you can give your child.

(part of the “Parental Tips and Lessons series”)

Last night was an unforgettable night. It was a fairy tale night filled with hope, and dreams coming true. It was the night of Anna’s wedding!

Anna is a beautiful and, strong young lady who had a very challenging upbringing.

We first met when she came to the school where I worked for several years. It is a therapeutic alternative high school for teens at risk.  Surrounded by trained professionals, the girls, who came from abusive and dysfunctional families, learned how to be in healthy, trusting relationships. We provided a safe home for them where they could freely express themselves, and receive unconditional love, and proper structure.

Anna came in to school a very sad and broken child, as many of the girls did. Last night, she was a healthy young lady, standing tall next to her very special new husband. The match was definitely made in heaven, and we all rejoiced with them from the deepest part of our hearts. We sang, and danced, laughed, and hugged, and celebrated like never before.

While we helped save this child by providing the safe, accepting environment . Anna did the hard work, to get to where she wanted and needed to be. She will have a wonderful life with her devoted new husband. I will forever be grateful for the privilege of accompanying her on this long journey of healing and growing into the happy and healthy young woman she is today.

When it comes to child rearing, we always talk about Mom; with good reason of course.

From carrying, to birthing, to raising each child, Mom is the one who does it all. She’s the one who greets little Johnny with a snack when he comes home from school. She does carpool, and helps him with Homework. Drops him off at little league, and serves him healthy dinners.

Where does this leave Daddy?

Sure Daddy plays ball with him on Sunday, and takes him to a baseball game. He keeps him inline when necessary, and even reads him a book sometimes. Still daddy does not get to spend a ton of time with little Johnny, and is therefore not crowned his main caretaker.

Obviously, there are some Dads who are what we call, “stay at home Dads”. In those cases the roles are switched, and you can just switch everything we’re saying here from Dad to Mom. Regardless of which parent is the main caretaker, what is the very special role that the other parent is playing?

Every parent wants what’s best for their child; Father and Mother alike. Spending time with our children is one of the greatest gifts we can give them. So why is Dad (or whomever  the breadwinner of the family is) hardly around to see Johnny grow?

I think we all know the answer to this question, but don’t take enough time to focus on it. let us take a minute to reflect on Dad, and all that he does for us.

Dad usually awakens early, often leaving home before anyone else in the family is even up. He may then go to the gym or to play tennis. This is his way of keeping up his health, physically and emotionally, which in essence is also for us. Then he’s off to work, after maybe grabbing something to eat. He is out working all day, sometimes stretching into the night. When he gets home, it’s time for some dinner and relaxation, and then time for bed before another busy day.

Mommy’s day is busy as well, and she too crashes at night before another busy day. The difference is that the workforce can be a cold and nasty place, filled with competition and tension, while home is safe place filled with warmth and acceptance.

The success of a good sale is certainly sweet, but can never compare to the feelings of a successful day with the kids, which are deliciously rewarding.

Not to mention the let down for Dad on a day filled with rejection and failure.

Dad gives up on his own need for closeness day in and day out, in order to support his family financially, something which is a necessity for the family’s existence. He puts his feelings aside, and does all he can do in order to ensure that everyone in his family can live well, feel well, and have everything they need.

Dad is a totally selfless being, who has to “turn off” his emotions daily in order to get the job done in an efficient and professional way. He holds on to the moments that he is safe at home with his loving family. They get him through life, whether he knows it or not.  But, Dad’s absence at home proves him to be nothing less than a hero!

Thank you Dad for being all of our Heroes!!!!